Smallville Escape Review

Vengeful spirits, villains make alliances, Bed and Breakfasts!!!



The episode begins with Clark about to leave Metropolis for vacation while John Jones takes over his patrol. He tells Chloe that while he's out of town she should hang out with Bart Allen who's stopping by Metropolis.

Yeah, because I'm sure that's exactly what a "grieving" widow needs, a speeding teenager hitting on her with every pickup line in the book!

Well it turns out Chloe has plans already while Clark goes to the Daily Planet to pick Lois up for a weekend getaway he has planned for them. Naturally, Lois has packed about ten times more than needed, but Clark assures her they're going to a Scottish Bed & Breakfast outside of town that he hopes she'll enjoy. Because apparently one look at Lois screams "forget internet access and monster trucks, nature is calling us!"

So who should be at this Bed & Breakfast just as Clark and Lois are on there way over? Why Chloe and Oliver! I smell me some shennanigans!

When Clark and Lois arrive at the inn, they learn their room has been given away because they arrived late and Ollie snagged the last room without a broken water pipe. Clark asks the innkeeper if he can fix it for her, which she strangely allows. How does she not consider the possibility that he knows absolutely NOTHING about fixing a pipe and won't make the problem worse just because he wanted a bed for the night? Well regardless, while our mild mannered plumber uses his heat vision to seal the pipe, Lois has torn the painting of a Scotsman in the inn's lobby.

Unknowingly, this releases our "Baddie of the Week", which is a ghostly apparition that possesses a young woman making out with her boyfriend and gives her a distinct white streak through her hair. She lures her boyfriend away, putting a new addition to our dusted off list "Guys on Smallville Who Think They're Getting Lucky But Instead Are Promptly Dismembered".

Lois is told in the meantime by the innkeeper the story of the Scotsman she scratched. Apparently the man is a tool-of-a-relative to the innkeeper who murdered his sister, Siobhan McDougal and sent her to the underworld where, according to legend, she inherited mystical strength and hatred. Lois thanks her for the exposition...I mean, history lesson...and goes off to the room with Clark.

Clark and Lois head off to bed for the night, where they share a moment that allows the chemistry between them to flare. This is just a prime example of why Clark and Lois work so well as a couple, but tragically, will likely never have a good relationship until he becomes the Man of Steel. Back when Clark and Lana were dating, half of their scenes together required dialogue to support their tension. With Clark and Lois, all you need is a silent LOOK and the viewers are sold.

But before Clois fans can get their weekly satisfaction, a scream is heard and Clark and Lois rush to find out what happened. They manage to bump into, you guessed it, Blonde 1 and Blonde 2: Ollie and Chloe.

Yes, this is the season's romance episode. Funny, I thought it would be in the Season 9 episode set on VALENTINE'S DAY, but that one wasn't that good either. Well you can expect action to be at a minimum in this edition, because instead we explore deeper into the love lives of these couples.

Sedatives or cyanide, people?

The next morning, Lois is upset Chloe never told her she's dating her ex and Clark says she should leave it be. Chloe and Ollie join them for breakfast where we're introduced to long talk of innuendos and references to the board game Clue.

Shockingly, Lois approves of Chloe and Ollie, but her cousin assures her that all their relationship is about is "having fun". So what does that make you, Chloe? Ollie's arm candy?

Meanwhile Clark warns Oliver to take care of her, which the green archer assures him won't be a problem. After what seems like an eternity of romance sub plots, Chloe gets into an argument with Oliver over buying her a gift. Wow, that's pretty ungrateful. Anyway, she walks off into the forest where she finds the body of the woman's now raisin-like lover and ends up becoming possessed by the spirit herself.

Back at the inn, Clark and Lois agree to take their relationship to the next level. Clark goes off to the shower where he's...singing. How I wish I was kidding. He's singing about Lois in the suggestion that they're about to put on some Barrie White when he gets back to the room. Somehow I never had the picture of the same character who battled Doomsday, General Zod and Lex Luthor, would one day grace us with his vocal capabilities while bathing.

Chloe however manages to cut the symphony short and tries to flirt with Clark, both of them stark naked in the bathroom. Lois catches them in the act where she's dressed in an outfit that must either be that of a gypsie or pirate. This would disturbingly imply that Mr. Kent has a fetish for the wardrobes of either Esmerelda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame or Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Hey, Keira Knightley never wore anything that...colourful!

But before Lois can leave, she winds up possessed by the spirit and tries to lure Ollie away into the woods. Chloe, back to the norm, realizes something is up and starts her detective work. She claims she doesn't remember anything during her possession.

Meanwhile, Major Zod is flying around Metropolis when he gets contacted by Tess Mercer. They meet at the Kent Barn, where they start making out. Okay, I guess you just have to roll with it. Tess then discovers that the bullethole Zod should have from Conspiracy is nowhere to be found, and therefore shoots him only to see him untouched, along with the leather glove he's wearing while catching the bullet. Normally someone should question why Tess had a gun with her before she knew Zod's powers returned, but need I remind you of four simple words:

This is Tess Mercer.

Anyway, with his secret exposed to her, Zod grabs Tess by the throat to try and keep his powers under wraps. Tess reveals though that she came prepared with a kryptonite rock. Now this is when you ask why she had this object before she knew Zod had superpowers. However, she gets Zod to kneel before her (wow, that's like beating Shaq senselessly through a basketball hoop) and then they start making out after their little spasm.

Huh?!

This then follows into them taking their passions to the bedroom. Because...

WHAT?!

Okay, suddenly Tess and Zod have become two identical sides of Xenia Onnatopp! "Oooh, you're gonna pull Kryptonite on me? You naughty girl!" I mean I've heard of fetishes when it comes to torture, but all these two show is how much they hate each other. There's opposites attracting and then there's insanity! This is makes as much sense as Clark and Lex bashing each other's heads throughout the seasons, then one of them realizing that through their heated rivalry, they somehow have feelings for each other, which would not work even if the two were homosexual. This makes no freaking sense, nor does the execution of how these two end up together!

Back at the inn, Clark and Chloe try to piece together what happened with her possession and they get on the topic of...oh you've gotta be kidding me...Lois and Clark's sex life. Clark tells Chloe that his former problem of "expressing his love" (which I remind you, only seems to happen when Smallville feels like it) is no more. Why do you ask?

Do you really have to ask me?

Alright fine, brace yourself. Apparently part of Jor-El's training with Clark has included...how to control himself...in the bedroom. Because as implied in "Wrath", Clark having sex with a human would probably lead to Lois in a full-body cast.

I think a part of my soul just ate itself!

Smallville, please! I really don't want to know about the sex life of these characters! Yes, I admit that Tom Welling, Erica Durance, Justin Hartley, Allison Mack, they're all attractive individuals. But when it comes to a show about aliens and super powers, it's creepy when you're even scratching the surface! Now I've got the horrible, HORRIBLE image of Jor-El teaching our future Superman how to treat a woman privately. If you weren't begging for a non-romance plot to be focused on this episode, you certainly will be now!

Clark and Chloe talk to the innkeeper to learn deeper about the Scottish legend of the painting. They figure out that the spirit possessing the women is none other than Siobhan McDougal herself. No! You think? Apparently after coming back from the underworld, Siobhan received a dreadful cry as a spirit that would kill people and became known as the Silver Banshee. While Clark realizes the Banshee is controlling Lois, Chloe figures out that if they burn the painting she escaped from, she'll go back to the underworld.

Clark confronts the Banshee who has escaped from Lois' body to unleash her deadly scream against Ollie. She uses her scream on both of them, but Clark seems to be able to fight through it. Now think about this for a second. Black Canary, a metahuman, was able to make Clark Kent's ear BLEED with her sonic scream. The Silver Banshee is a mystical, undead being who screamed at him, yet somehow isn't able to make Clark's ears bleed then. Clark has demonstrated greater vulnerability to magic than metahuman abilities, so how is it that Banshee's screams are less powerful than Black Canary's?

Well Chloe is able to save Clark by burning the painting, sending the Silver Banshee back to the underworld. Chloe and Oliver talk some more and realize they have stronger feelings than they originally thought, while Clark and Lois go back to the Talon to try and pick up where they left off...in the bedroom.

THANKFULLY, Lois is interrupted by a phone call from someone who claims to be the Blur. In actuality, it's Zod who is using Clark's voice changer and an America accent to make himself appear as her saviour.

CRITICAL COMMENTS
Performance wise, Odessa Rae is able to pull off the dual roles of the innkeeper and Silver Banshee with convincing acting in both roles. In fact, I could have sworn the Silver Banshee was played by Erica Durance by the sound of her voice at the episode's climax. The main cast is also able to work nicely with their roles, in some ways reminding long time viewers how much of a "social show" Smallville used to be.

Writing wise, this episode reveals more than we need to know about these couples. This is usually what happens in every Smallville season's "romance episode", but even some of the characters themselves are incredibly uncomfortable discussing it.